1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:04,482
♪♪ [theme]

2
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♪♪ [ragtime]

3
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What's that step
you're doing, Radar?

4
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You'll have to ask
Nurse Kellye, sir.

5
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She's leading.

6
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[sigh] Another thrilling
night of festivity

7
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in South Korea.

8
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Hawkeye, if you
had your choice,

9
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where would you like
to be tonight?

10
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In the whole world,
Father?

11
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Uh-huh.

12
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Back in my tent
shaving my corns.

13
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Why don't you go do it?

14
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I'm saving it
for the holidays.

15
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Bartender!

16
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A man comes off
a dusty cattle drive,

17
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can't even get a drink.

18
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Coming, sir.

19
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Just keep moving.
I'll catch up.

20
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You're new around here,
ain't you, fella?

21
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You better smile
when you say that.

22
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Come on.

23
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Come on!

24
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Say, ain't you
the new schoolmarm?

25
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-Yes, sir.
-You want to fight?

26
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I would, sir, but I have
such delicate features.

27
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Uh-huh.

28
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Ah, this mad, gay nightlife.

29
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I think I'll get into
my plaid knickers,

30
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wind up the '32 Packard,

31
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and run up to Newport

32
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for croquet
with the Vanderbilts.

33
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Writing home again?
That's your third
letter this week.

34
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Only way
I can keep my sanity.

35
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If you want sanity,
you can have mine.

36
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God knows,
I'm not using it.

37
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Radar, do you do the Peabody?

38
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Not while I'm dancing, sir.

39
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Farewell, you mad fools!

40
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I'll be in my tent having a
martini with a lizard.

41
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[thinking] You can really go
out of your skull here, Peg.

42
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There's just nothing to do
when you're not working.

43
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I remember reading
Justice Holmes.

44
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He said, "War
is an organized bore."

45
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Which brings me
to Major Frank Burns,

46
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not one of our best doctors.

47
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Hawkeye says he
became a surgeon

48
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after he washed out
at embalmers school.

49
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This morning,
he was operating

50
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on a kid named Davis,

51
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and I was the
anesthesiologist.

52
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Sometimes you have
to double in gas here.

53
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More suction, nurse.
Come on, stop daydreaming!

54
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You're there to assist
the doctor, Lieutenant.

55
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Give her a doctor, Margaret,
she'll assist him.

56
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-Frank?
-Hmm.

57
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Pulse is weakening,
blood pressure dropping.

58
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Well, I'm doing
everything I can.

59
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This soldier's a mess.
Gee williewockers!

60
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Sewer mouth.

61
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,666
Why must you ride him?

62
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I'll stop soon.
I only paid for an hour.

63
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-No pulse.
-Well, then that's that.

64
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What do you mean,
that's that? Do something!

65
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He didn't have
a chance anyway.

66
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,415
You can't just give up!

67
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,069
Have you no respect
for the dead?

68
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Cover the belly, Kellye.
Bag him, Frank!

69
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You're not supposed
to tell me what to do.

70
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Bag.

71
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Try open heart massage.

72
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We can do it closed.

73
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I saw it done back
in the States. Bag!

74
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Good. I'd rather
not open his chest.

75
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,344
Bag him once
every five beats.

76
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,780
You're going over
my head, Hunnicutt!

77
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Everything's over
your head, Frank.

78
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Bag!

79
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Nothing. Hah!

80
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Come on, you! Come on!

81
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,179
Come on! Come on!

82
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Enjoying your dramatics?

83
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,791
Bag!

84
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,056
Bag!

85
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,062
Hey, I'm getting a pulse.

86
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Good.

87
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Better.

88
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It's going. [chuckle]

89
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Another unit
of whole blood.

90
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Getting stronger.

91
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,903
-Good work, Doctor.
-Thank you.

92
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Well, I'm not gonna
forget this, Hunnicutt.

93
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He did save
the patient, Major.

94
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It was the way
he did it.

95
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5:00 in the morning, Peg.

96
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,003
I was worried about Davis,
so I'm keeping tabs on him.

97
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He's still pretty much
up for grabs.

98
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Mornin', Doc.

99
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Klinger.

100
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,359
How's he doin'?

101
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Hanging in.

102
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,494
Know anything
about dreams, Doc?

103
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I only know I wish
I were having one right now.

104
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I had one last night.

105
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I was holding this paper

106
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that said "Klinger is
hereby declared nuts.

107
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Signed, Colonel Potter."

108
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I was saying good-bye
to everybody.

109
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I even clipped a curl
of my hair off my chest

110
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,338
for Major Houlihan
to keep in her watch.

111
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,037
She kissed me
right on the mouth.

112
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,736
Next thing I know, I'm in
San Francisco. Sprung! Free!

113
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There's this big parade.
Four bands.

114
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People carrying a banner
that says "Klinger's nuts!"

115
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Shh.

116
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Then I'm in Toledo
with my loved ones.

117
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And I own a delicatessen.

118
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Eight tables.
Individual relish jars.

119
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You'll never guess
who the waitress is.

120
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Major Houlihan.

121
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And she's still got
my hair in her watch,

122
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pinned on a
see-through blouse.

123
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,111
What does that mean, Doc?

124
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,942
Well, it just might mean

125
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that you wanna go home.

126
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,728
I knew it.

127
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With Major Houlihan.

128
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,078
Yecch!

129
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,342
Good morning,
B.J., Klinger.

130
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,648
-Father.
-Father.

131
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-The same?
-Uh-huh.

132
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,521
Oh, this dreadful war.

133
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The waste. The waste.

134
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,438
You gonna stick around
a few minutes, doc?

135
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,657
Yeah.

136
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,136
I'm gonna grab
some breakfast.

137
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,834
I won a real egg in
a poker game last night.

138
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Lucky devil.

139
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,751
Uh, just a figure
of speech.

140
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No change.

141
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:50,714
You seem jumpy, Father.

142
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,281
Would you like
a little phenobarb?

143
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,891
Maybe 16 milligrams?

144
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,111
I'd prefer a few
milligrams of prayer.

145
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,721
The guys giving
you static?

146
00:06:57,765 --> 00:07:00,071
The static is
coming from higher up.

147
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:01,595
The Lord teed off at you?

148
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,379
Oh, God forbid.

149
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,687
No. Actually,
the difficulty lies

150
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,603
between the Lord
and the troops.

151
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:13,041
Colonel Maurice Hollister,
Divisional Chaplain.

152
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,738
I don't know him.

153
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:16,958
They call him Attila
the Hun of chaplains.

154
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,656
He's coming here
this afternoon

155
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442
to inspect me and the
operations of my flock.

156
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:25,749
Don't sweat it.
Hawkeye says you're the best
chaplain in the business.

157
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,490
Did he really
say that about me?

158
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,535
Mm-hmm.

159
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,060
That crazy agnostic.

160
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:36,064
Do you need me, B.J.?

161
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,631
Not till Sunday.

162
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,416
Ah, if you do, I'll be
ironing my cassock.

163
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,639
I'd better iron
my underwear, too.

164
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,554
Hollister's very thorough.

165
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,774
Oh, the noise.
The people.

166
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,080
B.J. What happened?

167
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,647
Klinger ate a fresh egg.

168
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,344
I just wrote
that to Peggy.

169
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,606
I wouldn't try.

170
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:57,999
It loses so much
in translation.

171
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,743
He had it poached

172
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:06,529
on a piece of toast
freshly baked in 1945.

173
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:07,922
For a second, it brought
back the atmosphere

174
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,401
of gracious dining
at Nedick's

175
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,664
in Grand Central Station.

176
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:14,711
I'm starved.

177
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,017
You got any of that cake
your wife sent you?

178
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,061
Yeah, sure.

179
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,332
Elizabeth Taylor
married somebody

180
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,247
whose name
begins with N-I.

181
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:30,640
-N-I?
-Nixon!

182
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:33,295
Elizabeth Taylor married
our Vice President.

183
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:34,688
Nicky Hilton.

184
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,820
Nicky Hilton's our
Vice President now?

185
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,563
Here you go.

186
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:41,912
They also serve
who stay at home

187
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,479
and bake cakes
for us to drink.

188
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,786
Hey, it's Peg's first
overseas package.

189
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,877
Would you believe
that's Annie Get Your Gun?

190
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,879
I had no idea
Ethel Merman was so tall.

191
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,054
[chuckle]

192
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,101
Chocolate Jockey shorts?

193
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,626
The Hershey bars
melted on 'em.

194
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,366
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

195
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,804
At 1330 hours, we'll
be holding the finals

196
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,545
of the cockroach race
time trials.

197
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:06,676
You going?

198
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,548
Nah, people who go
to those things

199
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,985
only want to see
a cockroach crash.

200
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,031
Hawkeye just came in.

201
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,033
He loved your cake.

202
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,253
He's really one of a kind,
our Hawkeye.

203
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,603
Finest kind, as he says.

204
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,605
Without him, I think
we'd all go nuts.

205
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,781
This morning,
he read inLife magazine

206
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,435
where students at Cal Tech

207
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:29,003
squeezed 15 people
into a Volkswagen.

208
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,918
Hawkeye thought we could
beat the record.

209
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,441
[chatter]

210
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,530
Nobody breathe for
the next ten minutes!

211
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,099
Let's have
no groping, please.

212
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:40,362
All gropers will
report to my tent,

213
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,277
and right after that,
the gropees.

214
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,539
Come on, get inside.

215
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,845
We're trying to
make a record.

216
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,629
Okay, Gage, you're next.
Climb in.

217
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,544
Oh, I don't want to.
I'm shy.

218
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,372
Shy, shmy! Come on!

219
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,548
For the glory
of the 4077.

220
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,506
The cover of
Lifemagazine.

221
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,552
-All those bodies.
-Come on, come on.

222
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,249
Here comes
Lieutenant Gage.

223
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,077
[cheering]

224
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,905
All right, you guys.
Lie at attention!

225
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,559
[Gage screaming]

226
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,301
This is completely against
military regulations!

227
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,694
Wholly unauthorized!

228
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,260
You have some of
my nurses in there.

229
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,219
I'll rinse 'em off
before I return 'em.

230
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,612
Come on,
squeeze in, Major.

231
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,830
We got plenty of room.

232
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,006
This is completely
beneath me.

233
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,139
I was hoping for
that spot myself.

234
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:21,795
We'll see what Colonel Potter
has to say about this!

235
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,710
All right,
how many we got here?

236
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,233
-Count off.
-ALL: One!

237
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:26,930
[laughter]

238
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,324
Fine. All we need
is 15 more.

239
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,673
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

240
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,283
I have to take
the picture!

241
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545
Wait a minute.

242
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:34,634
[chatter, horn honking]

243
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,418
How 'bout
V.D. films, Radar?

244
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,202
Is the one we've
got adequate?

245
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,682
I don't know, sir.

246
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,466
Every time it's shown,
I faint.

247
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,687
Must be okay, then.

248
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,951
Why don't we order
Trench Foot Through
the Ages

249
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,518
and The Bleeding
Gum Story?

250
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,085
That'll make a good
double feature.

251
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,782
Yes, sir,
I'll order those.

252
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,305
Let's see,
there's one other...

253
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:55,785
-[knocking]
-Come.

254
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,661
I caught this Korean woman

255
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,271
trying to take
one of the jeeps, sir.

256
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:06,056
I'll handle it,
Sergeant.

257
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,449
Sit down, madam.

258
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,146
Well, I guess I'll order--

259
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,148
Why don't you go and order
those films, Radar?

260
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,721
What's the big idea,
Klinger?

261
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,462
How'd you know?

262
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:23,595
Korean women are not
noted for hairy knuckles.

263
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,641
Sir, I can't take it
anymore. I can't!

264
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,295
I'll do anything
to prove I'm not fit.

265
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,862
I'll-I'll wet my bed.

266
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,473
I'll wet your bed!
I'll wet the whole camp!

267
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,041
Now, son, none of us
wants to be here.

268
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,303
I don't want to be here.

269
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:36,783
Radar doesn't
want to be here.

270
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,306
The doctors, the nurses.

271
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,308
Certainly the wounded
don't want to be here.

272
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,310
But we've got
to do our best.

273
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,659
Understand, son?

274
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,095
I'm trying.

275
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,793
Then get your butt
in high gear

276
00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:48,011
and get back to work!

277
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,404
Is that your last offer?

278
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,579
You got it! Out!

279
00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:51,580
Yes, sir.

280
00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,541
-Colonel, can I see you? -Do I
have a choice?

281
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,674
It's about Captain Pierce.

282
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,197
He sew up your fly again?

283
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:03,200
-No, sir.
-He spit at you?

284
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,681
He's stuffing a bunch
of personnel into a jeep.

285
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,118
Something about setting
a world's record.

286
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,817
[laughs] He's a pistol.

287
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,950
Burns, can't you see
Pierce is just trying
to boost morale?

288
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,474
Well, my morale is fine.
I love it here.

289
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,044
Either you or Klinger is nuts.

290
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,742
Now I've got to figure out
which one.

291
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,657
Okay, come on, Major.

292
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:26,920
Just one more
and we'll have a record.

293
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,096
-Yeah, come on! -Come on.

294
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,488
Come on. Lifemagazine.

295
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,099
Yeah!

296
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:33,796
[chatter]

297
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,582
Will you photograph
my best side?

298
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,149
Absolutely.

299
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,066
All right, I'm gonna
set the timer.

300
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:45,068
Now get ready.

301
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,940
Okay, okay.
Get back, get back!

302
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,376
Say cheese.

303
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:50,378
ALL: Cheese!

304
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,207
-[honk]
-[shutter clicks]

305
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,209
[cheering]

306
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,569
Hollister, Maurice.

307
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,353
Colonel. Division Chaplain.

308
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,008
Pierce, Captain.
Band vocalist.

309
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,837
That's, uh, quite a crowd
you've got in there.

310
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,230
World's record.

311
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:19,494
[chuckling]

312
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,365
Colonel Hollister.

313
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,367
Ah, yes, uh,
Major Hooligan.

314
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:24,629
Houlihan.

315
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,283
♪ Harrigan, that's me

316
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,243
You okay, Gates?

317
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,201
Uh, can I get a hernia?

318
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,073
Of course.
But rent one first.

319
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,857
See if you really
like it.

320
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,816
Get that
circulation going.

321
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,470
And remember, you're champions,
each and every one of you.

322
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:43,823
Captain? This, uh,
activity, the morality,

323
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,651
did Father Mulcahy
approve of all this?

324
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,436
Why don't you ask him
yourself, Reverend?

325
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,095
Colonel Hollister.

326
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,792
Father Mulcahy.

327
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:00,927
Lord have mercy.

328
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,631
♪ Amazing grace

329
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,243
♪ How sweet the sound

330
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:16,899
♪ That saved a wretch

331
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,902
♪ Like me

332
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:24,037
♪ I once was lost

333
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,779
♪ But now am found

334
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:31,566
♪ Was blind but now

335
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,961
♪ I see

336
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,353
Lovely.

337
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,833
♪ Lovely

338
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:43,099
Ahem.

339
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,581
I have a few announcements
before the benediction.

340
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:50,585
For the upcoming
Passover celebration,

341
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,761
for those of
the Jewish faith,

342
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:55,111
Private Weintraub
will attempt to bake

343
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:57,461
some unleavened
bread on a rock,

344
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,247
much in the same way
as Private Moses--

345
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,685
uh, much in the same way

346
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:05,556
that Moses did.

347
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,081
Would you all stand for
the benediction, please?

348
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,825
And now, may the Lord
bless us all and keep us.

349
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:14,957
Amen.

350
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,480
ALL: Amen.

351
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,402
Father Mulcahy,
that has to be

352
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,883
one of the finest services
I've ever attended.

353
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,363
Why, thank you, sir.

354
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,017
Excellent service,
Chaplain.

355
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,932
Excellent.
I really enjoyed it.

356
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:35,238
-Sensational, Father! -Oh.

357
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,371
-You're ready to
play the Vatican.
-Oh, my.

358
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,068
-Aces, Father.
-Thank you.

359
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,722
That was really neat,

360
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,985
especially that scary part
about going to hell.

361
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,421
Colonel, your presence
here today

362
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:46,162
was a first-rate inspiration.

363
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:49,426
I get chills in the presence
of a real spiritual leader.

364
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,341
Thank you, Majors.

365
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:54,170
I, uh, gather you're
regular churchgoers.

366
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,476
-Oh, yes!
-Oh, yeah.

367
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,999
It's a great place
to kill an hour.

368
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,696
Well, we better
scoot along.

369
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,611
Uh, there's no Sabbath
for the second in command.

370
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,439
Nor for the head nurse.

371
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:05,007
God appreciates
your responsibilities.

372
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,704
-Ah.
-He's a good person.

373
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:07,879
Major.

374
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,667
Well, sir, it seemed
to go rather smoothly.

375
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:13,929
Didn't it?

376
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,801
So does wallpaper
paste, Father.

377
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:19,369
You never once had them
in the palm of your hand.

378
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:22,068
You've got to
grab these people.

379
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,200
You're God's messenger
in this camp.

380
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,333
Sir, I deliver--

381
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,683
Many a business
has gone bankrupt

382
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,164
with the motto
"We Deliver."

383
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:34,515
You've got to take these
people by the hand, Father.

384
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,126
You just got to reach out
and take them by the hand,

385
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,998
each and every one,

386
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,000
from the lowliest
private here

387
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,915
right up there to
Captain Harry S. Truman,

388
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,439
You've got
to guide them.

389
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,876
You've got to lead them!
Oh, yes!

390
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,312
Oh, yes!
You've got to be the one!

391
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:51,749
You've got to be
the drum major

392
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,404
that leads this band
right into

393
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:56,928
the valley
of blessedness!

394
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:59,366
You have to use that
voice of yours, Father,

395
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,542
as a cry into
the wilderness!

396
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,457
Follow me! You see?

397
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,893
Follow me!

398
00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:06,460
Lead the attack, Father,

399
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:10,768
with a Bible in one hand
and a sword in the other!

400
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,553
Hallelujah!

401
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,513
[thinking] Did I write you
about Colonel Potter

402
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,863
wanting to train Koreans
to work in the wards?

403
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,170
First step was
to teach them English.

404
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:24,608
Do you have a fever?

405
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:28,743
ALL: Do you have a fever?

406
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:34,401
I will get the doctor.

407
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:38,753
I will get the doctor.

408
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,365
Better dead than Red.

409
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:45,455
Better dead than Red.

410
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,980
-Ha! Now we're
getting somewhere!
-[laughter]

411
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:51,722
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

412
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,377
Get us out of the U.N.

413
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:59,861
Get us out of the U.N.

414
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:03,473
Don't contaminate our drinking
water with fluoridation.

415
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,824
Don't contaminate our--

416
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,435
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats

417
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,263
and liddle lamzy divey.

418
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:13,962
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats and--

419
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:16,269
Well, you sure took
your sweet time relieving me.

420
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,054
I've been here an hour.
We made progress.

421
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,274
I can tell. You've got
a Korean accent.

422
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:22,579
Stink fishpot!

423
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,407
Stink fishpot.

424
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,061
[laughing]

425
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,153
Okay, boys.

426
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,895
Notre Dame is
six points behind.

427
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,984
We got a whole
half a game to play,

428
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,942
and we're gonna
beat Army!

429
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,163
All right, I'm sorry.

430
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:44,035
I will-- I will...

431
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,863
I will.

432
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,126
Get...

433
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,344
Get.

434
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,041
The nurse.

435
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,434
The nurse.

436
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:54,176
I will get the nurse.

437
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,266
I will get the nurse.

438
00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:00,182
Good. Frank Burns
eats worms.

439
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:03,664
Frank Burns eats worms.

440
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,885
I've looked back
on this letter

441
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,365
and discovered
it's been two pages

442
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,932
since I told you
how much I love you.

443
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,586
It's two pages later now,

444
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:14,979
and I love you even more.

445
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,721
Colonel Hollister is running
Father Mulcahy ragged.

446
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,202
I'm sure Hollister believes
God is regular army.

447
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,248
They just went into post-op.

448
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:25,207
Private Davis is our worst
case at the moment, Colonel.

449
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,209
We're having a very
difficult time with him:

450
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,777
massive trauma, and he's
very slow coming back.

451
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,866
Poor fellow.

452
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,608
You know, his father
runs the last pony ride

453
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,914
at Palisades Park,
in New Jersey.

454
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,874
After the service,
he plans to go into ponies,

455
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:41,005
God willing.

456
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,920
Davis, huh?
Davis. Ah.

457
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,271
P-- He's a Protestant.

458
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:48,926
A lot of your, uh,
Davises are J's, you know.

459
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,929
I had one here last year
who was a C.

460
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,583
There are exceptions,
of course.

461
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,455
Have you written the
lad's parents, Father?

462
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,717
If you'll excuse us, Colonel.

463
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,022
I have to change his dressing.

464
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942
Nice touch.

465
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:11,035
I'm not sure a letter's the
best course just now, sir.

466
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,428
Take my word for it.

467
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,604
Write to the
young man's parents.

468
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,476
Well, it's always been
my policy to wait

469
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,173
until the patients
become stable.

470
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,870
Nonsense.
That boy's going
to pull through.

471
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,350
Now, what you've
got to do,

472
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,874
you've got to marry that
thought to an action.

473
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,007
You write a good, strong
affirmative letter.

474
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,139
-Mention the donkeys. -The
ponies.

475
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:31,055
It seems wrong to get
their hopes up and then--

476
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,406
-Well, God forbid, what if--
-Lieutenant Mulcahy,

477
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,277
I want to see a first
draft of the letter

478
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,497
before 1800 hours.

479
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,542
It's now 1400 hours.

480
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,370
I've got to take
my milk of magnesia

481
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:42,676
and do three pushups.

482
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,639
I realize supply
requisitions in this area

483
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,337
are difficult to fill,

484
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,775
but the situation has been
getting steadily worse.

485
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,821
We order rectal thermometers,
we get spark plugs.

486
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:01,172
Both useful articles,
but hardly interchangeable.

487
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:03,479
Get with it, Supply.

488
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:06,221
Sir, do you want
one or two exclamation
points after that?

489
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,527
Make it three.

490
00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,093
Boy, you really are mad.

491
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:10,443
Kindness don't
feed the bulldog.

492
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:11,444
[clatter]

493
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:13,794
Now what?

494
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,143
Caught this man
walking into the stream

495
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:16,623
seven miles down
the road, Colonel.

496
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,625
I would've made it if
they hadn't nailed me.

497
00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:19,930
Had it all figured!

498
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:21,323
Downstream
to the Inchon River,

499
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,020
then out to
the Sea of Japan,

500
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,544
and then
to the Golden Gate!

501
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,762
You'd have drowned.

502
00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,024
No chance, sir!

503
00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:32,552
-There! Look at that!
-Oh, boy!

504
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:35,032
[shouting]

505
00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:36,947
Klinger! Klinger!

506
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:38,297
Good letter, Father.

507
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,516
Positive, affirmative,
hopeful.

508
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,605
I liked the way you
worked the ponies in.

509
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:44,259
It wasn't difficult, sir.

510
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,740
I just started
a new paragraph.

511
00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:48,089
I still think
I should've waited

512
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:50,352
until the boy is more
stable, however.

513
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,746
Tommyrot. Forge ahead.

514
00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:58,273
It's your straggler who
misses the Lord's streetcar.

515
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,755
!¡Vaya con Dios!

516
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:06,716
Father!

517
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,109
Father Mulcahy,

518
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:09,502
have you seen
Captain Pierce anywhere?

519
00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,417
I believe he mentioned
Nurse Shibetta.

520
00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:13,897
He was gonna share
a spicy salami with her.

521
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,377
She's Italian, you know.

522
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:16,900
One of the patients
is in bad trouble.

523
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,728
-Who?
-Private Davis.

524
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,295
Oh, I best see
if I can help.

525
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,341
-Better get Captain Pierce.
-Yes, sir.

526
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,995
Gee, I hate to
interrupt his salami.

527
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,432
-Temperature?
-103.

528
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,868
I've seen higher.

529
00:22:27,911 --> 00:22:29,783
Sure. Philadelphia in August.

530
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:32,046
Klinger, hurry up
with that X-ray!

531
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:35,354
What about the latest
urine specimen?

532
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:36,659
Bugs and blood.

533
00:22:36,703 --> 00:22:38,357
-White count?
-19,000.

534
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,141
Peritonitis.

535
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:41,969
Someone must've missed
a hole in the bowel.

536
00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:43,318
I missed nothing!

537
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:44,972
None of us are
perfect, Frank,

538
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,713
especially those of us
who aren't perfect.

539
00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:50,499
Kellye, give him 600,000
units of penicillin, stat!

540
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,588
-Ah-ha-ha.
-Sorry about the salami.

541
00:22:52,632 --> 00:22:54,111
-Shew!
-Klinger!

542
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,331
A minute, 27 seconds.

543
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,985
Take a discharge
out of petty cash.

544
00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:01,815
There they are.

545
00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:03,207
Shell fragments?

546
00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:05,471
Frank, you just can't
just look around!

547
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:06,602
You gotta feel around!

548
00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:08,604
-He does.
-I mean during surgery.

549
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:10,432
Fragments may not mean much,

550
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,652
but in view of his symptoms,
we've gotta go back in.

551
00:23:12,695 --> 00:23:14,088
You can't!

552
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,611
His pulse is weak,
and he has a fever.

553
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:17,265
We go in, or it's
the big train ride home

554
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:18,440
in the mattress cover.

555
00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,094
Why did I do it?

556
00:23:20,137 --> 00:23:21,443
B.J.: What, Father?

557
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:22,966
Colonel Hollister

558
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:26,187
made me write a letter
to his parents.

559
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,276
Everything's okay.

560
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,104
Let's go, folks.
Frank?

561
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,869
Is he gonna make it?

562
00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:58,567
-Probably.
-It depends.

563
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,700
We could get bombed,
there could be an earthquake,

564
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,398
or Frank could
operate on him again.

565
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,443
Twerp!

566
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:08,229
You tell him, ferret face.

567
00:24:08,272 --> 00:24:09,622
[laughing]

568
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,199
Aha! Heidelberg 1910.

569
00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:23,810
Zuckertort's attack.

570
00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:28,379
[thinking] Things are
pretty quiet right now.

571
00:24:28,423 --> 00:24:30,033
Private Davis
pulled through, mercifully,

572
00:24:30,077 --> 00:24:31,513
and was shipped stateside.

573
00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:33,080
Potter doubled the guards

574
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:35,212
so Klinger isn't
giving him any trouble.

575
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:36,475
What'd you do?

576
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,607
Vienna, 1906.
The Lapinsky move.

577
00:24:40,783 --> 00:24:42,132
Where'd you learn that?

578
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:43,482
Mrs. Lapinsky.

579
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:44,787
Tall woman, hairy legs,

580
00:24:44,831 --> 00:24:46,093
always carried
a bag of strudel.

581
00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:47,877
You don't know
Mrs. Lapinsky.

582
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:51,228
Are you kidding?
I caught hairy legs from her.

583
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:53,535
Nice try, Klinger.

584
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,059
I would've made it
if not for that dog.

585
00:25:06,113 --> 00:25:08,768
♪♪ [theme]